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More Tales of Tech Support (5)

Posted by Ebonstorm on May 7, 2014

Posted in: 30 x 30 x 30, 30 x 30 x 30 - 2014, Serial, Short Story. Tagged: dealership, deathray, hiring, Mobius Light, Monster Emporium, popular products, Professor Farnsworth, Todd. Leave a comment

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“Good afternoon and welcome to the final day of Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership hiring session. My name’s Todd.

“Today is your last day in our training and we have winnowed you down from one hundred possible candidates to the top twenty. You have spent a month and survived working with some of our most popular products. In this last series of tests, we are going to review some of our most popular products to see how you would answer possible calls from clients.

“Are there any questions? Yes, number 5?”

“Excuse me sir, you used words like winnowed and survived. These were colorful choices, yes?”

“No. Not really. Of the original one hundred of you, only twenty remain. Fifty were traumatized by injuries and left emotionally or psychologically scarred. Twenty were injured and unable to continue. Five unfortunately were lost to the vagaries of the technology and yes, five were killed beyond our ability to save, which in fact made their deaths spectacular because we do have very good medical facilities. You lot are the best, the brightest and the toughest.

“Number 13?”

“Sir, I was wondering how many people made the last round of selections?”

“You don’t want the answer to that question, 13.”

“Yes, sir. I do.”

“Of one hundred, 2 made it.”

“Sir, what happened to the rest?”

“This.”

“What is that?”

“That is a space-time rupture event caused by a discontinued product. The room was overlaid with a reality that has the human race replaced with wooden robots. We were unable to restore the primary reality to that local area. Only two students were able to be recovered. The rest were lost when the event horizon collapsed.

“To prevent any further such catastrophes, we will be isolating you in several working environments with the members of each of four groups chosen at random. I will work with each group separately. Our goal is of course to recruit qualified candidates but if I deem you unqualified, you will be removed from the test environment. Any other questions.”

“I do, sir. What’s to stop us from taking what we’ve seen and revealing it to your competitors? This agency is hardly the only one in the world providing such technology to super-villains at large?”

“Please activate the Mobius Light™, focused on number 12. Number 12, Antwerp.

“Can anyone tell me what just happened? Where is Number 12? The Mobius Light™ is deep within your catalog and most of you may not have gotten that far. Number 1?”

“The Mobius Light™, created by a time-traveling warlord, Dr. Mobius, who died in a conflict with the Crimson Avenger (the first one) is a one way, limited time travel device, sir. It is used to move a person to a point before they become aware of a particular event. Mastermind villains use it as a means of erasing the minds of detectives and other investigative types preventing them from becoming aware of the Mastermind in the first place. By the time they catch up to the clues which reveals the Mastermind, he is gone, like a ghost.”

“Why doesn’t a villain use this device to conquer the world, Number 1?”

“Because sir, you are sent into the past but on a different continuum. You replace your temporal doppelganger and continue on there as if you never answered the advertisement. In the Mobius reality, there are no super-villains or superheroes. You live out your life as your more quiet and dull self. Hence few super-villains are willing to use it on themselves or their arch-nemesis.”

“Very good Number 1, you have earned your ranking among this group. Number 12, and indeed anyone who applied for this job has been returned to an approximation of their previous life.

“We have improved the Mobius Light™ somewhat since the last catalog update and we don’t sell the upgrade. Our failed potential employees have been returned to their lives, in this timeline, unaware of having applied for this job. Anyone applying for this job will have been implanted with an aversion to our company, its products and metahumans, in general.

“What it means for you is this: If you don’t die, you’ll be sent to the past and we shall never have met. Good luck.”

Routed through internal email:

Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership is happy to announce the hire of three new employees for the sales and technical support division. Please congratulate Number 1, Number 5 and Number 11 to our happy family. Help them settle in and get comfortable with our latest product releases.

Let’s be sure to thank Todd for his excellent leadership during this hiring period and keeping casualties to a hiring division low. Great work, Todd. Enjoy your bonus. Now let’s get out there and make the ordinary genius able to succeed at villainy. (Yes, we know superheroes shop here too, we just don’t talk about it. Stop sending me email about superheros who shop with us.)

Professor Farnsworth, MD, Ph.D etc…
Temporal Director of Evil-Brain-in-a-Jar Reality and Causality Division

Helping the Ordinary Evil Genius Suceed

More Tales of Tech Support (4)

Posted by Ebonstorm on April 23, 2014

Posted in: Humor, science fiction, Serial, Short Story. Tagged: airplane, carnivorous plants, deathray, ebonstorm, emporium, fantasy, Farnsworth's, humor, monster, pulp, science fiction, short story, Todd. 1 Comment

cooltext916412223

“Hello sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, this is Todd speaking. How can I help you this morning?”

“Can you speak up sir, I’m having a little trouble hearing you. Ah, you’re using your speaker phone. How can I be of service today? You’ve purchased some of Professor Peril’s BamHogZu Lair Defender.

“An excellent choice for those among the elite Plant Mastery villain set; fast-growing from its Bamboo ancestry, caustic from its Hogweed genetics, and with the tailored Kudzu genes, it forms spiny, and beautiful blooms from spring to fall. You’ll have a lair safe from prying eyes in no time.

“I see. Plant Mastery is anyone with level five on the Magnus Scale of Domination. You lack complete Plant-Mastery? It should still respond fairly well to Plant Domination at level two, or even basic Plant-weaving at level one. It might take some time to cover your whole lair as an effective barrier.

“Sir, it wasn’t a recommendation for you to possess some degree of plant control, it was a requirement. Fortunately you’ve called us in time and we can use our Drone Supply and Return service to expedite you something more suitable to your needs.

“You’ve already planted it? Nothing to worry about. It will lie dormant for two days without plant mastery to activate it normally. We’ll send over digging robots to remove all traces of it. Sir, why are you screaming? I can’t understand you. Why would you need a broom?

“Oh, Zoom! Oh my. Zoom Plant Growth Accelerator and BamHogZu ARE a potent combination. You should not have been sold this product with no plant mastery whatsoever. I didn’t realize you had already activated the growth acceleration. Wrapped around your legs? You should stand very still right now. Sir. Sir! You are going to have to stop screaming. The plant is designed to grow toward the sounds of suffering.

“That’s better. Are you wearing any clothing? Tuck your hands into your sleeves. Slow your breathing. If you remain quiet, the plant should begin growing onto the barrier wall you placed it against and away from you. I know your legs where the BamHogZu is touching you are in great pain, part of its caustic Hogweed genes, but you mustn’t push it away, as it will only grow toward you faster. Thrashing is a growth stimulant.

“We are dispatching an extra strength defoliant to your location. If you are willing to pay a bit more, we can have it carpet bombed by a fast attack drone. Please be advised, there will be side effects from being at ground zero. The defoliant will leave you with a bright orange skin tone for four to six months. You will also be toxic to any living plant during that time. The orange color will also stain any bright fabrics you wear so you might want to consider more orange in your wardrobe or make everything you own black for a while.

“Spines penetrating your legs. Got it. Those drones are on their way, ETA about four minutes. Remember to hold your breath for as long as you can. There may be some stinging. Thank you for calling Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership. Have a great day.”

More Tales of Tech Support (3)

Posted by Ebonstorm on April 4, 2013

Posted in: 30 Characters in 30 Days 2013, 30 Stories in 30 Days 2013, 30 x 30 x 30, Humor, Serial, Short Story. Tagged: deathray, ebonstorm, emporium, fantasy, Farnsworth's, glasses, humor, memory, monster, pulp, science fiction, short story, short term memory, style, Todd. Leave a comment

Forget Me Not

“Hello ma’am, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you this morning?”

“Excuse me? You don’t know who you are? Do you know where you are?”

“There is a coffee shop on the corner of Fifth and Main, two blocks from where you’re standing. Go there. Up two blocks, then over one. If I may be so bold how did you get this number? Your phone lists it as an emergency number. Is there an additional number there? Read it to me please.”

“Ma’am, your identity is secured by our company’s security system but I can tell you the last purchase you made is probably involved. Three days ago, you bought a pair of “Inspection Deflection” Secret Identity Glasses. Are you wearing a pair of glasses by any chance? They would be stylish, with a tiny gear and wrench icon on one of the inner arms. You might want to take them off until we finish our conversation. That bad, huh. Okay, wait until you get to the coffee shop and try to avoid looking at any mirrors or highly reflective surfaces until you get there. If you catch a glimpse of your reflection, you may forget more of your short term memory.”

“Yes, ma’am, I’m a friend of the family, Todd. You are walking to a coffee shop. Fifth and Main. Just look down until you get there. Can I ask you a few questions while you walk? Can you remember how long you have been wearing the glasses? All the time. You had them made with prescription lenses. Hmmm.”

“Can you remember anything from yesterday, like going to your day job? Think carefully, did anyone there act as if they had never seen you before? You were arrested by your company’s security team? Yes, ma’am, that qualifies. They didn’t recognize you after the second day of wearing the glasses. No ma’am the product is not defective. You’re at the coffee shop. Good. Now you’ll need to get a pen and paper. Since your memory has been compromised, you may have trouble remembering parts of this conversation.”

“No, they weren’t supposed to make people think you were someone else. They’re initially designed to make people not notice you, or not look too closely at you. They reinforce the mental image you have of someone you want them to see. But I suspect the problem occurred when you got up this morning, you put your glasses on and looked in the mirror wearing them, didn’t you? You fell asleep in them. It’s okay ma’am, it happens to almost everyone who uses them. The memory manipulation will work on the wearer just like any one else who sees you.”

“The erasure will only last for a day or so. We recommend you don’t wear the “Deflectors” when you are going to use mirrors for more than a few minutes or around people for longer than eight hours a day, as the perception filter has a cumulative effect, making people slowly forget who you are. That can include you. You can end up living your secret identity as your only identity.”

“Your prior representative should have suggested our ruby quartz filter enhancement, since you were having a prescription applied to provide you some resistance to the effect. I can have someone come to the coffee shop and set you up in a hotel until your memory returns. No ma’am, this won’t cost you anything, you are one of our preferred members. I will also have two extra pairs of glasses made, one set will be an Inspector Deflector set and a normal pair to wear around the house. Yes, ma’am, I will make sure you can tell them apart. Thank you for shopping with us. I am glad I could be of service. Yes, you can ask for me when you call. My name is Todd. Todd Alexander. Thank you for shopping Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership.”

“Good afternoon, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership how may I help you? She’s gone? Did anyone see her? I see. Looking in her compact. I will make the necessary notes in her file. Thank you for going out in any case. You guys have a cup of coffee on me.”

Client account suspended due to possible memory loss. Recommend updating information packing with “Inspector Deflector” product line. Also recommend on site training in the use of the product line. This is the fifth such incident in the last year. Escalating account to management for further consideration.

More Tales of Tech Support (2)

Posted by Ebonstorm on February 14, 2013

Posted in: Humor, Short Story. Tagged: airplane, carnivorous plants, deathray, ebonstorm, emporium, fantasy, Farnsworth's, humor, monster, pulp, science fiction, short story, Short Story. Tagged: dealership, Todd. Leave a comment

“Hello ma’am, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you this morning?”

“No ma’am we were not aware of any defects in our “Instant Piranha” product line. Yes ma’am, you are supposed to put them in water.”

“Yes ma’am, technically beer is a liquid and if you should drop some of the pellets into beer or punch, they might be activated for a few minutes.”

“No, ma’am, we were not aware of that fact. Locked on in a death grip you say? Right after leaping out of the beer… Can I escalate this call to a manager? Please hold.”

“Good morning, sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you?”

“No sir, we don’t offer free de-zombification. I understand your assistant has been turned into a zombie. We do recommend right in the instructions, that proper safeguards have to be taken around children and pets.”

“Oh, your dog, too? I’m sorry sir, you will have to pay for our service to de-zombify your assistant. It has a rather long duration, sir. Six to eight weeks if no further applications of the product are applied. Yes, sir he will be fine. It does not have any long-term effects, unless you want it to. Zombies are very susceptible to suggestion. Yes sir, you could use it to get rid of his smoking habit.”

“Yes, we do have a truck able to come for around decontamination but the service is only for our deluxe support customers. Are you a member? I can sign you right up. No sir, I can’t help you regarding your employee’s pay schedule. I imagine being a zombie will cut into his office effectiveness. Please hold.”

“My tech guide says he will still be capable of following simple instructions. Yes, he will probably still be able to get your coffee. He should not be tuning any death-rays or other more dangerous equipment. In case you hadn’t read through the manual completely, there will be a brief period where the zombified will hunger for human flesh. Last for a day or two, so you might want to restrain them during this time. No sir, if you have been bitten already you cannot catch our patented zombi transformation thorough such contact.”

“They have thankfully short memories sir, you should be able to leave that closet in a few hours. No sir, we assume no liability for anyone your assistant or dog may bite before you are able to get them under control. Good luck. Thank you for your patronage, sir.”

“Good morning, sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you?”

“Yes sir, this is Todd. You were just on the phone with me? Ah, you used Professors Wilbur and Orville Wright’s NO-FLY Aerogel. Afraid of flying, I see. While this is not a recommended use, I am glad to hear the product worked as advertised.”

“Yes, sir, there are a few side effects. Let me check. You will be immobile for quite some time, at least an hour. The aerogel is super-light but incredibly strong. No sir, it won’t suffocate you. Your breathing will dissolve the gel and be converted into oxygen. This conversion will also speed the breakdown. No sir, while you are encased you won’t be able to be harmed by almost anything. You’re rolling down a hill. Into an intersection. I am sorry to hear that.”

“Can I have your account number? Sir, as a purchaser of NO-FLY Aerogel you are entitled to a retrieval and pickup as long as you are in the continental United States. Can you activate your GPS? You voicedialed. We’ll track you manually, sir. Please hang on while I transfer you to Tracking and Retrieval. We’re glad you are happy with the product, sir. No sir, that semi won’t be able to hurt you for another 50 minutes. If you’re lucky, it will knock you off the road as well. Good luck, sir. Please hold.”

“Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, Helping the Ordinary Evil Genius Succeed. How can I help you, today?”

“Carnivorous plants? Can I have your account number please? I see you are a regular customer. You have made some recent purchases which concern me, ma’am. Do you know which brand is rampaging out of control at the moment, ma’am? The last sales were the Venusian Blood Drinkers and Dr. Ripper’s Boneshredders. Please calm down, ma’am. There is nothing I can do about your cat. Is it the red package with the blue plants or the green package with the red plants.”

“It’s important ma’am. With the red package, I tell you to keep your pets indoors, make sure you lock the fence to your yard until we Fed-ex the proper Venusian defoliant. If it’s the green package with the red plants running wild, I am obligated to inform the nearest superhero team, and if the plants have consumed more than the regulated number of minions or authorized counter-agents, I may be required to inform the local police force as well. Please check again.”

“The red package. That’s good. Get out and stay out of your garden. I’m sorry about your cat. Ma’am I am going to have to suggest you get your prescription checked when handling our carnivorous plant line. I have shipped the defoliant and it will arrive tomorrow. Can we get you anything else while I have you on the line? Thank you, ma’am.”

More Tales of Tech Support (1)

Posted by Ebonstorm on February 12, 2013

Posted in: Humor, Short Story. Tagged: dealership, deathray, ebonstorm, emporium, fantasy, Farnsworth's, monster, pulp, science fiction, short story, Todd. Leave a comment

ptitvinc.deviantart.com

“Good afternoon, ma’am, this is Todd, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Deathray Dealership, how can I help you?”

“Yes ma’am, we make a variety of autonomous giant robots and death machines. Oh, you knew that already. One is chasing you. Is it yours? Okay, can you tell me the model? The instructions were incinerated during activation.”

“Ma’am stay calm. Where are you? Downtown. Can you find cover? Do that. Then I need you to describe the robot in question. Good. The police are already on the scene? A bit more of a problem but nothing we can’t handle.”

“Can I have your account number? I can look for your recent purchase records. I’m sorry ma’am we aren’t allowed to use your name to protect your anonymity during purchase. Your paperwork is burning along with the instructions. Yes, ma’am this means we will have to do this the hard way. Can you describe your robot to me? I’ll match it in our database.”

“Yes ma’am all of our models can throw automobiles fifty to seventy yards without a problem. You might want to move a little further away.”

“Bulging eyes, tiny head, long spindly arms and legs, shiny brass fittings. Dials on the chest. Does he emit death rays from his eyes? Yes, I can hold.”

“Was there a grey ash or a pile of smoldering flesh? Grey ash? Excellent! You are facing the Farnsworth Classic City Smasher from the 1940’s edition of our catalog. An excellent choice by the way.”

“I have excellent news, ma’am. This robot will stop on its own accord once it runs out of city to devastate. Oh, you didn’t plan to unleash it there. Okay let me escalate this to my manager. Please hold.”

Portable Hole

“Good afternoon sir, my name is Todd, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you? Okay, sir, calm down. You are falling out of an airplane? What is the product you are reporting a defect with sir? Speak up, please I can barely hear you over the wind.”

“Vortable Mole? I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a product by that name. Could you say that again? Ah. Portable Hole, yes sir, we license Mary Maven’s Portable Dimensional Ripper also called Portable Hole by common users, it’s a popular product. As licencors of the product we are able to help. What seems to be the defect?”

“Please calm down, sir. You dropped the container on an airplane and caused a discontinuity to open up beneath you. Did the discontinuity close behind you? I understand you probably can’t tell. Sir, I have to tell you this is not a defect in the product. It worked exactly as advertised. Is there anything else I can do for you? Sir? Sir?”