More Tales of Tech Support (2)

“Hello ma’am, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you this morning?”

“No ma’am we were not aware of any defects in our “Instant Piranha” product line. Yes ma’am, you are supposed to put them in water.”

“Yes ma’am, technically beer is a liquid and if you should drop some of the pellets into beer or punch, they might be activated for a few minutes.”

“No, ma’am, we were not aware of that fact. Locked on in a death grip you say? Right after leaping out of the beer… Can I escalate this call to a manager? Please hold.”

“Good morning, sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you?”

“No sir, we don’t offer free de-zombification. I understand your assistant has been turned into a zombie. We do recommend right in the instructions, that proper safeguards have to be taken around children and pets.”

“Oh, your dog, too? I’m sorry sir, you will have to pay for our service to de-zombify your assistant. It has a rather long duration, sir. Six to eight weeks if no further applications of the product are applied. Yes, sir he will be fine. It does not have any long-term effects, unless you want it to. Zombies are very susceptible to suggestion. Yes sir, you could use it to get rid of his smoking habit.”

“Yes, we do have a truck able to come for around decontamination but the service is only for our deluxe support customers. Are you a member? I can sign you right up. No sir, I can’t help you regarding your employee’s pay schedule. I imagine being a zombie will cut into his office effectiveness. Please hold.”

“My tech guide says he will still be capable of following simple instructions. Yes, he will probably still be able to get your coffee. He should not be tuning any death-rays or other more dangerous equipment. In case you hadn’t read through the manual completely, there will be a brief period where the zombified will hunger for human flesh. Last for a day or two, so you might want to restrain them during this time. No sir, if you have been bitten already you cannot catch our patented zombi transformation thorough such contact.”

“They have thankfully short memories sir, you should be able to leave that closet in a few hours. No sir, we assume no liability for anyone your assistant or dog may bite before you are able to get them under control. Good luck. Thank you for your patronage, sir.”

“Good morning, sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, how can I help you?”

“Yes sir, this is Todd. You were just on the phone with me? Ah, you used Professors Wilbur and Orville Wright’s NO-FLY Aerogel. Afraid of flying, I see. While this is not a recommended use, I am glad to hear the product worked as advertised.”

“Yes, sir, there are a few side effects. Let me check. You will be immobile for quite some time, at least an hour. The aerogel is super-light but incredibly strong. No sir, it won’t suffocate you. Your breathing will dissolve the gel and be converted into oxygen. This conversion will also speed the breakdown. No sir, while you are encased you won’t be able to be harmed by almost anything. You’re rolling down a hill. Into an intersection. I am sorry to hear that.”

“Can I have your account number? Sir, as a purchaser of NO-FLY Aerogel you are entitled to a retrieval and pickup as long as you are in the continental United States. Can you activate your GPS? You voicedialed. We’ll track you manually, sir. Please hang on while I transfer you to Tracking and Retrieval. We’re glad you are happy with the product, sir. No sir, that semi won’t be able to hurt you for another 50 minutes. If you’re lucky, it will knock you off the road as well. Good luck, sir. Please hold.”

“Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, Helping the Ordinary Evil Genius Succeed. How can I help you, today?”

“Carnivorous plants? Can I have your account number please? I see you are a regular customer. You have made some recent purchases which concern me, ma’am. Do you know which brand is rampaging out of control at the moment, ma’am? The last sales were the Venusian Blood Drinkers and Dr. Ripper’s Boneshredders. Please calm down, ma’am. There is nothing I can do about your cat. Is it the red package with the blue plants or the green package with the red plants.”

“It’s important ma’am. With the red package, I tell you to keep your pets indoors, make sure you lock the fence to your yard until we Fed-ex the proper Venusian defoliant. If it’s the green package with the red plants running wild, I am obligated to inform the nearest superhero team, and if the plants have consumed more than the regulated number of minions or authorized counter-agents, I may be required to inform the local police force as well. Please check again.”

“The red package. That’s good. Get out and stay out of your garden. I’m sorry about your cat. Ma’am I am going to have to suggest you get your prescription checked when handling our carnivorous plant line. I have shipped the defoliant and it will arrive tomorrow. Can we get you anything else while I have you on the line? Thank you, ma’am.”