“Hello sir, Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership, this is Todd speaking. How can I help you this morning?”
“Can you speak up sir, I’m having a little trouble hearing you. Ah, you’re using your speaker phone. How can I be of service today? You’ve purchased some of Professor Peril’s BamHogZu Lair Defender.
“An excellent choice for those among the elite Plant Mastery villain set; fast-growing from its Bamboo ancestry, caustic from its Hogweed genetics, and with the tailored Kudzu genes, it forms spiny, and beautiful blooms from spring to fall. You’ll have a lair safe from prying eyes in no time.
“I see. Plant Mastery is anyone with level five on the Magnus Scale of Domination. You lack complete Plant-Mastery? It should still respond fairly well to Plant Domination at level two, or even basic Plant-weaving at level one. It might take some time to cover your whole lair as an effective barrier.
“Sir, it wasn’t a recommendation for you to possess some degree of plant control, it was a requirement. Fortunately you’ve called us in time and we can use our Drone Supply and Return service to expedite you something more suitable to your needs.
“You’ve already planted it? Nothing to worry about. It will lie dormant for two days without plant mastery to activate it normally. We’ll send over digging robots to remove all traces of it. Sir, why are you screaming? I can’t understand you. Why would you need a broom?
“Oh, Zoom! Oh my. Zoom Plant Growth Accelerator and BamHogZu ARE a potent combination. You should not have been sold this product with no plant mastery whatsoever. I didn’t realize you had already activated the growth acceleration. Wrapped around your legs? You should stand very still right now. Sir. Sir! You are going to have to stop screaming. The plant is designed to grow toward the sounds of suffering.
“That’s better. Are you wearing any clothing? Tuck your hands into your sleeves. Slow your breathing. If you remain quiet, the plant should begin growing onto the barrier wall you placed it against and away from you. I know your legs where the BamHogZu is touching you are in great pain, part of its caustic Hogweed genes, but you mustn’t push it away, as it will only grow toward you faster. Thrashing is a growth stimulant.
“We are dispatching an extra strength defoliant to your location. If you are willing to pay a bit more, we can have it carpet bombed by a fast attack drone. Please be advised, there will be side effects from being at ground zero. The defoliant will leave you with a bright orange skin tone for four to six months. You will also be toxic to any living plant during that time. The orange color will also stain any bright fabrics you wear so you might want to consider more orange in your wardrobe or make everything you own black for a while.
“Spines penetrating your legs. Got it. Those drones are on their way, ETA about four minutes. Remember to hold your breath for as long as you can. There may be some stinging. Thank you for calling Farnsworth’s Monster Emporium and Death-ray Dealership. Have a great day.”
More Tales of Tech Support © Thaddeus Howze 2014. All Rights Reserved
Evil things, aren’t they?